Oh how I wish I could harness some of her energy. She's forging ahead, full-steam and full of power. She is going somewhere, with momentum. She is purposeful, unheeding - or unconcerned - about the stormy skies around her.
And she's ... holding an umbrella?
Oh right, stormy skies.
Really, I think the umbrella adds to the unconcerned feel, kind of a "I'm going to get shit done, and hold my little umbrella, too." Like doing construction work in high heels and still kicking ass.
From the book: "'Despite any concerns you may have, I am in control of this situation.' ...The thunder of hoofbeats shakes the earth and yet her slight form remains perfectly still as the horsepower vibrates the reins. This confident young woman is intent upon forward movement and progress in the face of many challenges. The energy she directs is moving at dangerously high speeds. In the midst of the swirling chaos she remains steady and focused."
Yes! What they said. Exactly. Awesome.
I can relate to that, even though I haven't been feeling it lately.
Reading on... "If it is your turn to drive the chariot, you will find yourself wanting to move in a certain direction. You will be confident in that direction. Getting started will be the hardest part."
Yeah no shit. That would be me, every single morning.
The final word: "Once you start moving, there won't be much that can stop you until you reach your goal."
Well I hope that turns out to be true.
I just talked to my psychiatrist this morning. She's getting me in for appointments more frequently these days. She wants to add a second antidepressant to my morning routine, an SSRI. The welbutrin (well, bupropion actually, which is a generic form of welbutrin, because the VA is fucking cheap) hasn't been enough lately. I'm not keeping up with my life. I'm functioning at a lower level than what I consider the minimum acceptable. Not far below, but still, not where I need to be.
For the most part, I can get through daily stuff, but nothing extra. Some important things have been dropped by the wayside.
I haven't seen my girlfriend in too long. I even missed a party at her house.
I have commissions to finish, and to start, ones that I want very much to do for their own sakes. I just can't seem to find the steam.
I just got a letter from DES (the Arizona agency that handles food stamps, state health care, welfare, and some other need-based assistance programs). They rejected my renewal for food stamps because I didn't make it into their office for an interview in time. ["Interview" is becoming such a vague term.... it's what they're calling it when I bring in paperwork that could just as easily been faxed or emailed.] I'll have to get in there this week and apply again. Otherwise the food stamps will come in later than usual - or not at all - next month. That's important. That's $300 a month I can't afford to replace.
The thing is, I can't get started in the mornings. I drag myself (kicking and screaming, yes) out of bed at a decent hour. I get my child's schooling done, or as close to done as I can before I go to my class (and the babysitter takes over). Usually, I make it to class. I've had to skip a few times, when I just couldn't make myself go. In the afternoons and evenings, when I have time to work on commissions or do other errands, I just can't make myself do it.
I am the Chariot, in reverse.
How do I turn this around?
Image of the card from: http://www.mindbodyspiritodyssey.com/2012/09/mind-body-spirit-odyssey-review.html