Tuesday, May 8, 2012

hello again, rock bottom

"The sun never says to the earth,
'You owe me.'
Look what happens with a love like that.
It lights up the whole sky."
-Hafiz the Poet

That's for Archer.


I've been away.

I've had highs and lows - very low - since I last posted.

Many things on my mind... Saturday was a wonderful day spent with Archer. We spent that evening celebrating with friends, and I got to spend some... uh, quality time with my amazing, body-of-a-goddess girlfriend. Overall, it was really as close to a 'perfect day' as we humans could reasonably expect. Maybe closer. But, happy as I was by the time Archer and I fell asleep, all cuddled and snuggled up, there was something...

Something which can probably be attributed (entirely? almost entirely?) to me forgetting to bring my medication with me, and thus being a full day's dose behind. At the time, it felt like a disconnectedness; I snuggled closer to Archer, trying to feel more connected, trying not to be frightened, and I let myself fall asleep by stubbornly believing in him, in our connection.

But that feeling nagged, and grew. Sunday morning, I lashed out at Archer. I was afraid of becoming disconnected, of feeling alone, so I saw my fears manifest where there were no shadows. He was trying so hard to help me cope, and all I saw was him trying to get rid of me; I had no solid ground but I hadn't realized that yet, and the more I tried to explain why I was "angry," the more confused and frightened I made myself - and because he's actually human, Archer became angry with me. It escalated until he yelled, I mean really yelled at me; my brain shut down then. I think I was sobbing. I might have screamed, I'm not sure. I was terrified, and completely irrational. I think he kept talking for a while, but I'm not sure. I remember him yelling, then the hurricane in my head that drowned out everything and seemed to go on for an eternity, then he was saying my name, asking something mundane and practical. He had to drop me off, or something, so he could go visit his child. I asked him to drop me off at the hospital; I was so scared. We conversed; he wondered why he keeps getting involved with women who suffer from depression (I'm not the first). That's the only part of the conversation I really remember. I remember that vividly, though. He was so frustrated.

Eventually, we somehow decided I would stay at his house while he went to visit his child. I don't remember how we came to that decision, but it was mutually decided. The local emergency room is almost more harmful than helpful, and by the time we got to his house he was speaking more kindly, and I felt confident that I was past the point of crisis. I just needed time to recover. I have always made it through these times alone, and I knew that if I could just sit and think - or not, as needed - and be alone, that I would be ok. He held me, told me he wasn't angry anymore (and he wasn't - I could hear it in his voice), that he wasn't going anywhere (in terms of our relationship), that he loved me, and not to worry about us, just worry about doing whatever I needed to feel better.

Gradually, over the course of that day's remainder, I did begin to recover. I'm doing much better today. Maybe later this week I'll catch up on all the blogging I've missed over the past few days. (Don't hold your breath.)

As I 'came to,' the depth of what I had done that morning sunk in. I hate that I lashed out at Archer, that I ruined our morning together, that I utterly failed to monitor and rein in my depression.

I'm so very, very sorry.

And in the midst of me accusing him of not caring, he still kept me safe.

That's love.


In my more petty, naive moments, I can look back and think that he should have known my behavior was out of character, and was a symptom of depression rather than my actual feelings. I can think that he should have seen that, and addressed my depression directly rather than reacting defensively.

That's foolish, of course. He is human, after all (though I sometimes forget that), and he can't read my mind. And if I'm truly trying to be rational, I have to acknowledge that he did attempt exactly that - to address my unhappiness directly - but I was too far gone already to see that.

Every day, I find a new reason to be grateful that Archer is the person he is.


'I will marry you every day for the rest of my life, and never diminish you by making you a mere wife.'

1 comment:

  1. love your post. actually all your posts. omg.