Thursday, January 19, 2012

without the Archer?

How would I do, if I had to go on without the Archer from this moment on?

I think that I would go on, piecing myself together and trying to ignore the holes I know his absence would create, and I would accomplish the material goals I have set for myself already. I would get through life by focusing on my child and my school. I would use those things to distract me from the greatest loss of my life, and even from the very hollowness of those same goals - as they would be, without him there. That's what I would do. How? With a lead heart and determined feet, one step at a time. I would get there.

Hollow. Yes, that's the word which would define my world without the Archer. And somewhat bitter.

I know without doubt that I would not have become a person capable of reaching those goals without his intervention. Any accomplishment of those goals without him would be a hollow victory indeed.

But apprehensions of empty victories are not what keep me by his side. His sterling character is more than a security blanket for my fears; he is the man I dreamed of as a child, the man who is capable of loving me despite knowing my many egregious faults, the first person with the requisite interest and intelligence to see me as I truly am, and the first person who makes my heart and mind equally happy without reservation.

You wouldn't know it by looking at me now, but I am capable of (and have previously exercised) fierce loyalty. Always, I have given that loyalty to people who didn't deserve it, who wouldn't treat me loyally in return. The Archer's clarity of thought and speech has shown me this, and given me an opportunity to experience well-placed, reciprocal loyalty. I will not let that opportunity be wasted.

I will not be satisfied, now, with a sub-par relationship. The bar has been set quite high.

All that is very analytical, very right-brain oriented.

Those are my logical reasons for doing - or refraining from doing - whatever I must to rebuild and maintain the integrity of my relationship with the Archer.

The more powerful reason is spiritual; it is unreasonable Love. It is that unmistakable kinetic energy between us, that draw that becomes pain when he is hurt or angry and pleasure when he is happy. And for the first time in my life, that Love has a chance to be untainted. I know this to be true: Love will keep me by his side long after my need for safety or guidance diminishes.

1 comment:

  1. I can't tell who is the lucky one, you or the Archer.